This Year

In 2020, I’ve decided to grow up.

              For a while, I’d always been uncomfortable with the idea of ‘adulting’, but in 2020 I’m embracing it. In other words, I want to do better. Mentally, and spiritually.

              I have to say that if I had a life report card, I’d be failing. I could check of a list and say almost everything about my life sucks. My job, my money, my habits. I’m no where near where I should be career wise. A college degree paired with a minimum wage job. And I’m in debt. For most of my life, especially after graduating, I felt like I played a support role in my own life. All things just happened to me, good or bad. And I just let them. But I’ve come to realize that’s not how life works, not anymore at least.

              The thing about adults is that they do things. They do what they have to, like work so they can pay bills and take care of themselves. But they also have the freedom to do whatever they want. They can choose the job they want, and they can choose where they live, where they go and what they do. They can. It sounds simple, something everyone should eventually be able to do. And I pay the bills I have. Yet something was still off. I wasn’t choosing my everyday life. I still do things I don’t like, tolerate things I don’t like, and just live with it.

              I saw myself as a lost ‘adult’. I didn’t want to. I felt the lost millennial thing shouldn’t occur to someone life me. My parents are poor immigrants, so I should understand sacrifice and hard work. This was nothing I couldn’t work out. I had to just get over it. There were plenty of kids of immigrants who were passing right by me. What was it with me? When I couldn’t find a job after college, these thoughts kept me down for a while. I checked out, just going through the everyday motions for a while. I was unmotivated because it just seemed that nothing was going right.

              It wasn’t until I paid attention to what my life was that I started to thing of a solution. I saw how things were for me and my parents. And I also saw people who did ok, and their kids who also did ok, and how things could be good for every generation. Why couldn’t we have that? Why can’t you?

              I decided to grow up. I decided to choose to do better. There are a lot of things I was unhappy with, but most importantly I wasn’t happy, and hadn’t been for too long.  Mental health was always an issue in my family. It was taboo, even though it was the big pink elephant in the room. The hardest thing about being an adult for me was my mind. I knew everything I did was affected by how I feel and my emotional baggage.

So, for 2020, I’m focusing on my mental glow up. Breaking bad habits, bad thoughts and cycles formed in my family. Most notable the cycle of ignoring mental health and hiding it. It’s never easy to talk about these things, but I want things to be different. I plan to use all the resources I can, including professionals, to guide me through.

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