My resolution for this year was to choose life above all else.
In my struggles with depression, I dealt with my difficulties by hiding and running away from them. Any issue I had, I avoided dealing with them by surrendering. It made me a ‘good kid’ by never fighting for what I wanted, and things just went about a lot smoother without me fussing about it. They’d all eventually be over. I couldn’t be forced to do what people wanted me to do forever. So I went to church and I sang in the choir. When I finally graduated from high school, I no longer had to do anything. I was on my own, and I could relish in the fact that I didn’t have to do anything.
So I did nothing. And I did nothing to the point where it was hard to do anything. I had no motivation to do anything at all. Since I was always focused on what I didn’t want to do, I never thought of what I did want to do. To me, my life done my way was framed as what I no longer had to do because I was old enough. But as soon as I stepped out into the world life was me having to do things that I had to do. I had to study, I had to do lots of class work. I would have to take the MCAT and get into medical school. It was all so much for someone who never had to do something for myself. Being alone, my motivation and desire shriveled away.
After I graduated I didn’t want to do anything. I applied to jobs, and the longer I went without responses, the less I wanted to do anything.
Then one day, I had an epiphany.
There were a lot of difficult things that happened in my life. I had depression and I had to deal with it alone. But eventually I took the steps to seek help. It was hard, but eventually I got to a point where I could look back at the progress I made. I began to push myself and I felt uncomfortable. Doing new things would always make me uncomfortable. But I was never a failure at anything. I was a quitter. Discomfort scared me. I never wanted to leave the safe positions that I was in. But upon reflection, I had safe and comfortable for years. I feel so far behind my peers due to trying to stay comfortable. I love stories and I love writing. Yet to be a writer is risky. Outside of the few who ‘make it’, we end up in draining jobs with little money. Starving artists are usually only respected after their deaths. So I dragged my feet. I was scared. Rather than be a failure I was a quitter.
Failure is only permanent if you surrender. Failing gives you the experience to change how you do things until you succeed. All the little fails in life, bad hair and makeup, weird style, all these things were to much for me. But I realize they would’ve only reinforced me as a person. I would’ve grown.
While it would’ve been great to have gone through all this when I was younger, I know the experiences will still be valuable to me at my age now. Which is why I’ve chosen life. I chose to push myself to learn and grow everyday. Be it physical appearances, skills or even things I need to do , I want to do something everyday that pushes me to live. Everyday, I want to make a conscious effort to live and do something everyday that’ll help me grow.