Now we know I wasn’t fine. I was very unhappy and isolated from everyone. There was a wall built up around me, but I finally decided to scale it. So now what? As hard was to be honest, now I had to do something with it. I had to persist past telling the truth, and do something with that honesty.
Of course, the most obvious was to ask. I needed help, and I had to learn to ask for it. I had to maintain a sense of accountability in not giving up, because there was always the chance I’d ask and get turned down. I couldn’t let disappointment slow me down. In the past, family wasn’t always able to give me what I needed. A while that stings sometimes, it wasn’t the end. I had to reach out to whoever would be able to help me. So I looked for professionals that I could talk to. They’d talk to me and understand what exactly I needed. They helped me objectively sort through my feelings. We talked about the part family played in my recovery, and how to move on from my expectations from them.
It was a weight off my shoulders. I felt much better emotionally. I was headed towards the light at the end of the tunnel. And with that light I was able to take a good look at myself and my life. I had given up on anything outside of being a good kid. How I looked, my personal ambitions and goals in life. All took a back seat to my emotions. And I had to be honest about that. I didn’t like how I looked or how my life was going. I was a young woman but I behaved and dressed like a kid.
I had to put myself out there. I needed to put more effort into myself as a woman. How I dressed, did my hair and went out had to change. I had to let go of the ice queen schtick and just relax. Of course this was hard, but I knew I was unhappy. I didn’t want to be alone in life anymore. I wanted to enrich it with friends and family. I knew I would have to reach out to others. My unaffected attitude very much resembled indifference. So I had to check in mentally and be present with people.
I had to be present in situations I didn’t like either. I had to learn to speak up when I was unhappy. Confrontation is never fun, but it is very necessary. I was especially necessary for me, since I had become so complacent and let life happen to me. I had to push for what I wanted, and if that involved a confrontation, so be it. I couldn’t live life the way I did anymore.
Being proactive about changing my life is a choice I have to make everyday. It can be hard to push past insecurity and fear, but with each step, both are left farther behind. I may not be the woman of my dreams in a year, but I can definitely be someone I’m proud of in that time. I’m even proud of myself now. I’ve managed to come out of where I was and continue to heal myself. To me, that means a lot.
The Grow Up 